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soohelpmegod's LiveJournal:
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| Saturday, August 23rd, 2008 | | 10:25 pm |
Stop and starrrrrrrre.....
So this journal is practically dead, but I thought I would at least write something to keep this thing going. Summer was interesting. Weight loss camp was challanging, but I made alot of great friends, and it was definatly the job for me. I have become so much stronger and leaner and I feel like I am in really great shape. I also met a boy, the weight training instructor at the camp and we periodically snuck around after hours and had a summer fling. It was fun, but now he is back in connecticut, and that is over as quickly as it started. I just moved up to ventura, technically mandalay shores. I found an amazing apartment a block from the beach, I am sharing the house with two girls both art majors at CSUCI (school starts on monday yay!) anyway they are really sweet and hopefully this transition will be smooth. Anyway, it seems like this year is going to go well. Its weird to think of all of the different chapters of my life that have come and gone so quickly in the last three years....from being in high school in SLO, to SF state, to semester at sea, to Palm Springs, to Ojai, and now onto Cal State Channel Islands. It feels like I have started over nearly a million times...sometimes I think of all of the friends, places, boys, stages that have passed through my life and it makes me realize that you cant hold onto everything forever, and sometimes you just have to take what you have and love it in this moment now....because thats all we really ever have....now. I am excited to get on with this year and see how it unfolds.Oh and I am already planning my second trip around the world ( for after I finish my masters in ehhhh about 3 and a half years, and maybe after I win the lottery. Sweeeeet jesus I cant wait. | | Tuesday, April 29th, 2008 | | 6:26 pm |
allalalalalala
Today was fairly mundane...I was cleaning my room and doing laundry when I got called into work, so I went to work for a few hours and then came home. I have a serious weekness for garlic hummus. Seriously. I talked to the director of admissions for CSUCI yesterday and she told me she would move my file to the front (I guess I am persuasive?) and that I should hear within 24 hours. Thank god ! I need to know what I am doing this summer/next semester! I am seriously considering the fat camp job, but then its between going back to SF state or going to CSUCI next semester. I seriously dont care at this point....I just want to KNOWWWW. blah. time for my pjs, american idol, and weight watcher ice creaaaaam yay. | | Sunday, April 27th, 2008 | | 6:59 pm |
Nobody's perfect....I gatta work it!
Oookay so I have decided I need to start posting in this journal again. It helps me process my life/days. Okay sooo this is going to be a long entry because so much has gone on and I havent written about it at alllll. Still living in palm springs, have made some nice friends, and I am working at Limited Too, where I listen to Hannah Montana all day and help little girls look "hot". Fun. Last weekend I went to vegas with Aimee and her cousin christine for aimee's 21st, which was amazingly fun/hillarious (as expected)....we partied until 7 in the morning both days, being still drunk at breakfast....fantastic. I hooked up with two boys in two nights, although I did not have sex with either of them because I wassss far to intoxicated to measure how cute they were....which apparently was a good choice because one of them myspaced me and I looked at his pictures, it was noooot pleasant. Basically we were wasted the entire weekend....and we were there for 4/20 which was fun too. Then I worked on Monday the day I got back and left on tuesday to drive up to SLO for sarahs 21st. I was kind of getting sick but she guilt tripped me into coming up, because I am one of her only friends that drinks and she wanted to go out the bars (?? anyone who knows sarah knows how strange that is)...so I drive 6 hours up to slo and when i get there she says "I am really tired, do you want to just watch american idol?" WHAAAAT? Anyway long story short I made her go out to the bars with me. Basically she stayed completely sober and I got waaaaasted. Really fun for me, not really fun for her. I was flirting with the most ADORABLE bartender who was flirting with me and giving me free drinks when she insisted that we leave. ugh. the whole time I was in slo with sarah was awkward and weird. I know its hard for her turning 21 after he brother died of an alcohol/drug overdose, and its his birthday later in this week too, which made things worse too. At least I got to see rochelle and eat sushi and go to montano de oro with her, that made my trip worth it. These days it seems like I am waiting for the mail all the time, letters from colleges should be coming soon, my semester at sea dvd (they had a camera crew following us around for the whole semester, so I am soooo stoked to see me/everyone and cry alot when I see it), and also my prospective summer job for this summer is sending me a contract to sign.....aka the mail needs to come NOW. I got offered a job at a fitness/wellness camp in Ojai, (its not a fat camp! only it kind of is) which would be prefect for me, I would get to teach tennis/aroebics/weight training and nutrition and get a free place to stay and free healthy meals, and get paid. It is so right up my alley right now, I have been going to the gym tons since I moved down here and eating really healthy (I am a vegitarian now for 2 months and I am still (of course) on weight watchers perminently. Its paid off though, I am as skinny as I ever have been and I feel good. Anyway the job would be prefect for me, I just want to make sure its what I want before I sign the contract. Ok so this was waaaay long. But hopefully from now on I can update every few days instead of every few months and my entries can be like 1/3 this size lol. Peace. | | Sunday, February 10th, 2008 | | 12:06 pm |
You will be better, stronger, more grown up and a better daughter
I am trying to journal alot because deborah (my therapist) thinks its a good thing, and I tend to agree. She basically told me that I shouldnt try to "fight" feeling bad, and instead to let myself feel the transformation. Its difficult to do that and not break down entirely for me. What does entirely break down mean? Crying, feeling sorry for myself, being dramatic, making things worse than they are. hmmmm. So I found out that the drop date has passed for my class, which makes my decision to stay here easy. That means I must put EVERYTHING into this class because there is no turning back there is only a final grade. I kind of like that. I start my job in about two weeks (I think), which should be good, I am looking foreward to having somewhere to be and something to do as well as meeting people. I have a club meeting on wed. and thurs, which should be interesting. If I keep going to the gym, going to club meetings, and working and traveling to slo when I can, this time should pass fast and my life can stop feeling like its "waiting" soon. I just hate knowing something great is around the corner but it not happening yet. Like deborah said its like you are flapping your wings as hard as you can but you arent flying yet. I KNOW good things are coming. I KNOW I can get involved and good things will happen. It is my own self doubt that brings me down sometimes. What if I hate the clubs I joined and I dont make friends, what if I am bad at my job? What if my life stays this way? I feel like people judge me sometimes, especially Sarah. When I talk to her on the phone sometiems i get the tone of "I would never do what you are doing, and I dont understand why you are doing it".....and sometiems that bothers me especially when I dont know why I am doing it either. I guess the best answer is that I enjoy transending myself. I love pushing myself and seeing how I can suceed in impossible conditions. I love seeing how well I can do and how happy I can be and how much I can accomplish and grow. Thats WHY I moved to San Francisco, thats WHY I stayed in college even though I was on accademic probation (and have been getting straight A's since!) and thats WHY I travelled around the world knowing no one I was going with, and thats WHY I moved to Palm Desert knowing know one, thats why I will go to CSUCI with out knowing anyone....because I beleive in myself and in life and that I know that anything is possible for me when I really try. I hate my anxiety, but I love pushing through it, I love how it feels to transend your own innate hesitation. Sometimes I forget how strong I am, or why I make the choices I do, especially when times are hard. The only reason people doubt me, is because they doubt themselves. I am tired of letting other people control how I think of myself, because I know me ALOT better than they know me. Current Mood: determinedCurrent Music: Paul Simon | | Sunday, October 14th, 2007 | | 9:11 am |
I am still alive! (but my Lj is pretty much dead)
Wow first post for millions of years! Its because I am finally procrastinating on everything enough that I have “time” to write this. I miss writing real journal entries, on my travel blog its mostly pictures and descriptions what I did blah blah blah……but I miss writing my emo stuff haha, oh and things I don’t want my grandmother to read! So where to begin…..life on the ship….there is no real way to describe it, its kind of like spring break, summer camp, and high school….everyone is super close nit and everyone knows everyone with silly nicknames for people that you see all the time that you don’t really know, and gossip travels so fast that its ridiculous. The countries I have seen are fabulous, and so is legal drinking and foreign bars/clubs. I have a really tight nit group of friends and I really like them all, they are all mainly from the east coast and are a lot of fun. As for not smoking pot for almost 3 months now….I miss it! Drinking is so tiring. I just want to get stoned, but I guess you can say I am high on life! Seriously though. When I am in the countries smoking pot is the last thing on my mind, I cant understand a thing as is! But when I am on the ship watching scrubs and eating chocolate…..thats when I miss it. Or when I had like three migraines, or when I am sea sick. You can see where I would miss it sometimes. As for the boy situation….haha….its kind of like high school where you get drunk and hook up with someone and then you keep seeing them everywhere and there is no getting around it! For Christ sake we are all trapped on a cruise ship! This is such a sex ship. Not for me yet though haha. So I met a guy when I was in Cambodia, we kind of flirted for the first few days, (flirting is really hard when you feel sweaty and haggard- no one tells you Cambodia is like 100 degrees and humid), anyway none of us had showered in days and we had spent the last few days exploring the temples of Ankor Wat and Ankor Thom (where tomb raider was filmed), it was great but we were exhausted. So we pull up to our hotel and we are all tired as hell. And we pull up, and it’s a 5 star hotel…..and I mean like if there were more stars to give a hotel, it would be like 10 stars. It was amazing. So we get there and we see the pool. Everyone starts freaking out and we all make a plan to come back down in 5 minutes. By the time me and my roommate sheena get down there, everyone is naked (no one brought bathing suites to Cambodia….no one thought swimming would be safe), its pouring rain, boys got their guitars out and started jamming under the umbrellas…not to mention the OPEN bar right by the pool….it was great, anyways I ended up making out with him when I was in the pool and then we went back to his hotel room and took a hot shower together (to get the chlorine off of course)…..I was pretty trashed but it was really fun (no sex, I have amazing will power). So we kept hanging out for the rest of the trip, and when I got back I told my friend Lauren that I hooked up with TC (that’s his name), and she goes, “well that’s hilarious because I was roommates with his girlfriend in Vietnam and she was saying what a good guy he is and how she was sure that he was being loyal to her”….awkward…. got to love it when people don’t tell you they have a significant other while they are trying to sleep with you. Then, when I was in Phuket in Thailand me and my friends went to a club called Bananna (a story within itself) where I got trashed and was dancing with another guy from semester at sea, he asked me if I wanted to go walking on the beach (the club was on the beach) and so we go walking on the beach and we sit and are making out for a while. Then we went swimming, he seemed pretty legit, his name was BJ, anyway the next day me and my friends flew to Bankok, so I wouldn’t see him again until I got off the boat, but I gave him my room number and we said we would hang out. So, he calls me, and he asks me to come over and watch a movie with him….so I come over and we are watching the movie he has his arm around me, and in walks his roommate…..TC (guy #1)!!!! There was this really awkward moment when I looked at TC and then back to BJ like do they both know that I have hooked up with both of them??? That story is to be continued because this whole mess isn’t over, we just had a pre port meeting and and apparently me and TC (guy #1 with girlfriend) are going to India to see the Taj Mahal together???? Awkward turtle. So that was a really long story, but I felt like a slut haha. This voyage is sooooo much fun. I have seen such amazing things and I meet new people everyday, I litteraly feel like everyone on the boat is family, I feel like I am really thriving in this situation. The only thing that could make this better is: Me not getting fat from the food, having every single one of my friends from back home here with me, and getting to do this too. There isn’t enough I can say to describe what this experience has been like….but I do miss home (sometimes). Ps. My family actually bought a house in Palm Desert and we are moving in January/February. Aka a few weeks after I get back from this trip. Its crazy, I cant imagine not living in SLO. Well I am living on a boat for Christ sake so I think I am getting pretty flexible about living conditions. Holy shit I have written a lot, hopefully someone will have time to read all of this shit. I miss communicating with people, its so hard because phone calls and the internet are so expensive and we don’t get the news or anything on the boat so I feel really disconnected from the world. This boat is really top notch though, we are so spoiled, we get waited on, our rooms made up for us daily and we have a Spa. Also the medical staff is amazing, I have a had a few run ins with them- typical. Anyways I am writing this in word to save money and then I will just cut and paste it to my LJ, I don’t have a lot of time for journaling- so just check my blog (Mirandatsea.blogspot.com) I take about an hour (the internet is really slow here, and about 50 dollars to post each one- so please take a look!) I miss you guys and someone should come meet me in Turkey, Croatia or Spain and hang out with me- I have no plans! We port at India tomorrow and then Egypt next, I am so fucking excited for Egypt. Ok I need to go study! Peace | | Sunday, August 12th, 2007 | | 2:34 pm |
Lifes a mess, but it couldnt really get any better.....i guess
Semester at Sea in less than TWO WEEKS. Going up to SF tomorrow to see friends and say goodbye to the city. I am soooo freaking excited to travel the world. This whole boyfriend thing is fucking me up though. The situation is fucking lame. I dont want to break up. But its the only sane and logical thing to do. There is no way to have a long distance relationship while I am sailing around the world....and even if there was a way...I wouldnt want to. I want to meet people and go into this experience absolutely ready for the world to change me. Arrrg. I just sucks because I havent had a stable normal great awesome relationship in years. He totally treats me how I should be treated and does what I want without me even asking for it. He even told me he LOVED me about a week ago. It pretty much knocked my socks off because I am totally not used to a guy that I am this into being just as into me as I am into him. I am happy right now and it sucks that this relationship HAS to end. There is no other option. I cant even say that i am torn, because there is nothing to be torn about....there arent two things I am deciding between. Its the right thing to do to break up....but I cant help feeling really lame about it. meh. Why did I have all the time in the world with the wrong guy and only a summer with the right one? I guess its wrong of me to complain....after all....its not like I am being forced to go around the world....its my decision....I want to do this....its a choice I am making.....and 95 % of me is totally fucking stoked about it. Current Mood:  excited | | Sunday, July 29th, 2007 | | 2:05 am |
Lifeeeeeee.
- my job is slowly driving me insane - 28 days until semester at sea - new boyfriend is adorable - I have a stuffy nose - I like valium - I miss SF people like none other. - a more complete entry on all of this is coming soon to a livejournal near you....but for now I am too sleepy to even explain what has been going on. | | Sunday, June 17th, 2007 | | 4:35 pm |
| | Saturday, June 2nd, 2007 | | 1:49 pm |
errrrr
palm desert is really really really really hot. I am talking about 110. Yeah. Looking at houses all of this week. Insanly rediculously good prices on houses that would cost about 1.5 mil in SLO....here: 500,000. Palm Desert is looking nicer by the minute. Leaving in 2 and a half monthes to see the world GOT STRAIGHT A'S!!!!!!!!!!! Amazing. Soooo happy. Summer is amazing. | | Wednesday, May 30th, 2007 | | 7:38 pm |
Summmmertime and the livings easssyyyy
Life: *My mom is on chemo *I am home for the summer *my family is moving to palm springs while I am abroad? *less than three monthes untill I see the world! *I love summer. *Nothing is permininent....but change is. | | Thursday, March 29th, 2007 | | 2:45 pm |
life is weird/changing/great.
Moving out of SF in two monthes. Moving out of the country in less than 5 monthes. Possibly moving to Palm Desert? My parents found two amazing houses. They are both two stories, over 4 bedrooms, have a private casita for me, and pools and are both brand spanking new. The same house in slo would be over a million dollars....its insane how expensive the central coast has become. I am warming up to the idea of moving...but too much change is happening all at once. I guess I will just keep focused on the next big thing coming up and not think about the rest. I will just keep myself thinking of finshing this semester and moving home for the summer and the rest will fall into place. Life is really good right now- almost too good...all of my options are over whelming. But I guess thats a silly problem to have. < 3 breathe. life is good. Current Mood: ecstatic | | Friday, November 3rd, 2006 | | 2:48 am |
 Friends Only.
Comment to be added.
| | Tuesday, July 4th, 2006 | | 3:19 pm |
Friends only.
Sorry guys. I dont like crazy people reading about my life, who arent in it. If you want to read...ask me to add you. < 3 | | Sunday, July 2nd, 2006 | | 8:46 pm |
Dont let fear and oppression....
keep us from the one love progression! jah rasta. So today was pretty boring, basicaly i cleaned up a bunch of boxes that I moved home from college and sorted through them and decided what i needed to take back with me and what I didnt...I am very excited for next year...i HAVE to do better in school though...seriously. If you see me online next year...tell me to go write my paper/do my research/stop getting stoned and do something good. blah such mixed feelings about moving away. Like that elected song "bank and trust" "It's just somedays, I can hardly move, much less...move away" I am tired. And very addicted to Lost. Scotts coming to osos tonight. yah for me not having to drive anywhere all day. My life is pretty good you know. Pretty goddam good. Even when its bad...its still so good compared to others. Night yall. Current Mood: contentCurrent Music: The Elected | | Saturday, July 1st, 2006 | | 9:50 pm |
I cant stop sneezing today.
Things in my life have been strange lately in words I really cant explain. Moving back home is weird. Although i have friends here i can hang out with, i still feel out of place here. Then again, I dont feel completely sure that i wont feel the same way once I am in SF again. I barely talk to the two girls i am going to be rooming with next year...and i just dont feel like i belong completely in either place. for a second there i just contimplated putting my other journals url on here. I update that one alot more and its alot more personal than the things i write in this one. However i really dont want everyone to see everything about my life. I guess if people want it...they can ask for it. I ordered a bunch of flaming lips posters a couple days ago...they should be here soon. I am excited to move into my apt. next year. I am excited for anna and rochelle to come back, it feels like we havent hung out all three of us together in a million years....but really....its been a WHOLE YEAR! Alot of people dont understand me and scotts relationship. I think more of my friends in SF get it....well honestly....because they hear about it alllll the time. And because they have met him and seen us together. But some of my friends here have been so shady about it...giving me these "talks", like they think i am stupid for dating him again. They dont understand why i would "put myself through it again". Because he absolutely never fails to make me smile. We are never together and DONT have a great time. I dont care what happend before...or what he said...or what I SAID. I was angry. He was angry. IT was painful. But IT is over. And I am DONE trying to explain myself to other people who dont get/refuse to accept that i am HAPPY. that was an excellent rant. ( : Current Mood:  cynical | | Thursday, June 29th, 2006 | | 2:31 am |
because...
i know you will still be there, no matter what I say or admit to you. because i know that i can tell you the truth, the whole truth so help me god - and you will still choose to be by my side. Its such a comforting feeling that someone knows you in you entirety (the good, the bad, the ugly), and still cares for you just as much knowing your faults. Or thinks that the good in you outweighs the crazyness. I am glad someone thinks that, and i am really glad that someone is you. | | Wednesday, June 28th, 2006 | | 7:35 pm |
Its like I never had to....
See it in your eyes...or feel it, I could tell....when you smiled. Errrr this week has been strange. First off I am completely stoked because I went out and bought "transmitions from the satalite heart" and "Clouds taste metalic" by the flaming lips....which are sooooo good. Oh Wayne Coyne....marry me? Secondly, things are super rediculously great with me and scott...when we break things off, or for some reason it all ends, its times like these i will look back on, and know it was worth it. For the bad part of this week....I realized I had sceduled like 10 million things at once for one weekend in August. August 1st is when my lease starts in SF, so i was supposed to move my furnature up to the appartment around then....i was also supposed to be working, and going to street scene with rochelle in San Diego. I was totally pissed when i looked at the calender and realized that i cant do all of them. I couldnt move all of my stuff, and be back in time for street scene....and even if I did....I had knowone to help me move everything. I was so frustrated. Scott offered to drive the U-haul up with me and help me move...which was really nice. Afer much pondering on the subject...I decided to wait till aug. 4th and 5th to move my stuff....and flake out on street scene with rochelle. it just ended up making the most sence. I feel horrible because we were planning on doing this for over a year. And I am really sad that I dont get to go. Gah. I feel like I basically only have a month left of summer....even though i dont have to go back to school until two monthes from now. Because as soon as August starts up...I will be moving my furnature and everything i own to SF, and kind of livig in both places at once. And when i am in slo I will mostly be working. So I guess I should just enjoy this month...and spend as much time with the people here that i miss so much when i am in SF. Current Mood: busyCurrent Music: The Flaming Lips | | Sunday, June 25th, 2006 | | 9:02 pm |
pretty tough to think about....
the beggining of december. i cant beleive in a month i move into my new appartment...well I move my stuff in at least. I am excited to be reunited with friends, be back at school again, and furnish the appartment. I guess a part of me misses the city, great things to do all the time. But a big part of me will miss these summer days with nothing to do besides fill out myspace surveys, get stoned, and watch nip/tuck. I will miss being able to justy call up scott and say "come over", and there he is. I will miss feeling lonely for only a few minutes, as opposed to feeling lonely for weeks. And even though we made it through all of that, and there is a sence of relief...I also know we have to start being long distance again soon and that is hanging over my head. I am just so angry that i found the person i want to be with, and a huge obsticle is always in our way. I guess not all great things are easy. But where do you draw the line of something being completely impractical? | | 7:33 pm |
stay focused man....tuna and bread.
wow i am stoned. I really shouldnt even attempt to write a journal entry right now. I am bored. Scott is coming over soon to watch nip/tuck with me and go out to dinner horrray...if i dont pass out before then. Wow i had not smoked for a long time before this, my tolerance must be down because I am FLYING. it just took me entirely too long to write this. < 3 | | Wednesday, June 21st, 2006 | | 11:31 am |
White Flowers...cups of cofee....love letters
This is a journal entery I found in my room a few monthes ago that I wrote in the beggining og Senior year, its really personal...but I think it says alot about how incomplete I felt leaving things the way they were with Scott. Some of its really cheesy. Bear with it. "Sometimes I cant help but think about how things used to be, and although things may have changed for the better...there is so much left behind. I miss it. Well not everything about it, but that smile, and being a part of something. Someone to get coffee with before class, and that last call of the day everynight. Maybe I just miss someone telling me how great I am. How pathetic would that be? And I wonder if he ever thinks of me...or if i dont exist to him now. How easily am I forgotten? Does he remember all of the stupid little things like I do? ...i remember everything, the good and the bad....and it makes me wonder why i cant see him, talk to him, or be his friend...after all we went through, no goodbye, no nothing just a really incomplete feeling of losing my first love and best friend. He said he "never wanted to speak to me again" last year. I should be mad or pissed off and say the same to him, but almost a year later, i miss all of the little things more and more, the further from eachothers lives we become. And as we graduate, move away, and probably never see eachother again, it will eventually become like we never met. I still remember our first date and our last date. Our first kiss, and our last kiss. Its true, I was really hurt in the end of this. But a year ago, i let myself go, i let myself fall in love, litterally. and it was one of the best things I have ever experienced."
Isnt that remarkable? I remember exactly when i wrote that, i was early for school one day, sitting in my car when I wrote that. Graduation was creeping up on me, and making me think about scott more and more. Little did I know, he was thinking the same things. And when i failed to talk to him ( I tried...i culdnt get myself to do it)...he talked to me. Its funny how life works...the minute you think you will never see someone again, and that they are dissapearing from your life, they become a big part of your life all over again. Reading that just makes me realize how lucky we are to be together. It makes me remember this time last year when he came over for the first time...opening the door and seeing his face looking back at me for the first time. Or our first kiss. Sometimes i forget that we didnt talk for all of that time, its nice to remember what an absolute miricle it is for us to be civil....let alone dating.
Alright enough mushy gushy. |
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